Two days ago, Joseph, Gina and myself went out for a dim sum lunch at Chinatown. Dimjoy at 80 Neil Road, in the Chinatown vicinity (Near Keong Saik Road).
Its the first time I’ve went out and met with Gina in a long time. We had a decent talk and for the first time in sometime, I was feeling a little glad because I was able to converse with someone else who seem to share my kind of interests/lifestyle, and is of the opposite gender. 3 of us after lunch went down to Parklane shopping mall at Siege and had a LAN gaming session over at I.R.C. An hour of L4D2.
And it wasn’t me who suggested it. It was Gina.
Long story short, I thought the day went well. Today, I dropped her an sms to ask if she wants to go out for supper tonight. She said that she may not be able to commit because she’s out with her poly friends and does not know what time she will be back. Though its not really a rejection, I don’t know why I feel so down and out. She even said that we should do it in weekday.
I felt tired after that. A little bit sian already. Add the thought of more work and assignments from school that is due this week. I don’t know but it felt really depressing and I don’t know why but I have this feeling of finding a way to reboot my life. Seems morbid and perhaps even suicidal. I know.
I shouldn’t have any reasons to feel depressed. Sure, my family is still dysfunctional and I still have to face the stress caused by this dysfunctionism at home, but my life from the outside seems to be pretty good. I have a car, had a business and now have a job waiting for me when I graduate. I have no reason to be feeling depressed. But why am I?
I just feel this inate sense of loneliness and emptiness. Emptiness that doesn’t seem to be able to fill. I feel like I’ve lost all sense of my hobbies or whatever that used to make me who I am. I’m now just an empty shell. Even going out to do community work with my party (WP) doesn’t seem to fill that lonely heart.
Will I ever find peace, solace and perhaps even love? Should I continue on with Gina even though its extremely tiring to be thinking of things? How can I reboot my life?
Why is it that my peers seems to have it easier than me. Joseph being able to interact with the people of the opposite gender pretty well. Looking at his videos on facebook, the ones with the rest of the clique’s girls in the car as they were driving around in Greece, its like he is a girl’s man. Why can’t I be like that? I know why. Its not in my nature. Why can’t it be my nature? Why wasn’t I blessed with that gift?
Its tiring. Almost suffocating. I hope this is just a rut.